Pizza Rut

This is something that has long baffled me as a resident of Singapore.

How do you screw up something as easy as pizza?

And yet somehow they do. The pizza pictured above is a staple of every Singaporean pizza menu. It has scallops, imitation crab meat, shrimp, onions and garlic. I call it the "Effing Sick" pizza.

Another thing about Singaporean pizza is that they are incapable of putting less than four toppings on it. Ask for just pepperoni and they'll look at you like you have two heads. Oh and you want thin crust? Good luck buddy.

A couple of months ago we decided to try out a place that touted it had the best American-style pizza in Singapore. I was unreasonably optimistic. We ordered the Singaporean version of "meat lovers". When it arrived, we were terrified. The pepperoni was a disturbing shade of plum and the italian sausage was white as paper. I was unaware that this pizza place was Halal. That means that in order to make it suitable for Muslims (which are the majority in this part of the world), they have to take out pork...and the deliciousness. Thus the purple discs were beef pepperoni and the white chunks were "mystery meat" sausage. I cannot, for the life of me, determine what non-chicken, non-pork meat is white. Ignorance is probably best in this case. I quickly concluded that our "meat lovers" was merely three different types of beef and the mystery meat. Disappointment wouldn't even begin to cover my emotions.

It was the first time in my life that I threw away pizza leftovers. There was no cold pizza for breakfast the next morning. A little piece of my collegiate soul died that day.